*sigh*

Lately everything has been on a blah-mode yet again. Nothing I can do interests and everything I can't is beyond interesting........

People don't seem to care being in contact with me and if I do hear about someone it just seems to piss me off royally even though it might not be something to get biased about. Even people who really don't annoy me start to annoy me because I read too much in to text messages, the lack of them or the way people talk to me..... I've come to think it's just because I think that everyones lives revolve around me. Basically because of that.

It hasn't been this bad for a while now so I guess it was to be expected, right? (My "for a while" meaning something like a few weeks mind you.)

I'm reading this guys blog (http://iselfharm.blogspot.com/) and it really made me think about myself, way too much for my liking actually... See his going to a shrink at one point (because of his self harming and while there realizes some pretty important things) and I just can't help but to think about my own way of seeing people and the way everyone treats/looks/talks about/to me.

I've been reading my old xanga from way back (starting from the early 2004 I think) and it isn't helping my current mood that I've been so melancholy back then as well. I don’t know if I should really go talk to someone about my dragging mood and the general down look I have on life, would it help? It just sucks that even though I do have good days too I tend to forget then in the blink of an eye and just dwell in the negative things.


Here's a little copy+pasteing, see what I mean?

March 2006.
As you might have guessed (if you read this whole thing) I'm feeling a bit down.. It seems to be my general mood these days.. I hate this 'cos I really don't know why I am like this all the fucking time ._." I only seem to listen to mellow, melancholic music and all those sad news kinda take the light off my good news as well…

December 2005.
Why is everything so boring? I need a life..

November 2005.
10 YEARS AGO I:
was 9 years old, just started 3rd grade and my English-lessons, I was the kid everyone kinda.. picked on for one reason or another. liked to read books (I usually went to the library, borrow some books and walked home ~1km reading the first book on the way)

5 YEARS AGO I:
was 14, started junior highschool a year, had stopped studying German, hated my best friend for being a bitch, all heavy metal, had had my first big crush on this "kewl" skater boy who was in my class, hoped for a better life, got my first piercing, lost a friend but got her back. was still being picked on (mostly by these "cool" girls who didn't understand why guys liked my company.. who says guys and girls can't be JUST friends?)

1 YEAR AGO I:
was 18, thought life'd get better when I turn 18; got my drivers license, got to go to bars etc. but to tell the truth, nothing changed that much. Had lost contact with "my best friend" and still hated her guts, was way too deep in JROCK and dreamed about gigs and trip to Japan, went to my first real concert: KoRn

YESTERDAY I:
was at work as usual, got mad at my employee, felt strangely.. hollow at night and didn't get sleep. thought about Mucc and how I'd really like to see them again. was eagerly waiting for today because wee came to Rovaniemi to visit our big sister Miia ^^;

July 2005
So, I am alive after all. I noticed that no-one is really interested whether I'm writing or not…